Thursday, June 19, 2008

You Probably Think I am Making this up, but.....

Oh boy, just when you think you have seen everything. There is a woman in Los Angeles who is suing Victoria’s Secret for selling a faulty thong. According to The Smoking Gun, 52 year old Macrida Patterson was attempting to wear the thong and a decorative piece came loose and struck her in the eye causing damage to her cornea. She also missed several days of work. Okay, how much stress do you have to put a thong under for something to fly off and darn near poke your eye out? Was she using it correctly? Let me say this, I saw a picture of this woman and she had better been putting on a plus sized thong or this one will get thrown out of court.

Wow! The imagination just runs wild on this one. I hope the executives at Victoria’s Secret do not settle this one out of court. I hope this one goes to trial just for the comedic value alone. Where is Jackie Chiles when you need him? If you don’t remember, Jackie Chiles made several appearances on Seinfeld over the years as the fast talking, ambulance chasing lawyer, who struck an amazing resemblance to Johnny Cochran. I can hear Jackie in court now…. "Ms. Patterson, would you consider yourself to be a….generously proportioned woman?” Then Jackie turns to the bench, “Your Honor, the defense requests for Ms. Patterson to try on the thong.” The courtroom erupts as the judge attempts to restore order. I am no expert on thongs, but I have done my share of squeezing my fat butt into last summer’s swimsuits and you have got to be creating some real stress to send projectiles flying through the air. I am willing to bet this woman was squeezing her butt into a thong two sizes too small. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you heard of this happening to a stripper? Think about it. Thousands and thousands of strippers every single day, seven days a week, 52 weeks out the of year, getting in and out of thongs all day long and not a single thong related injury from flying decorative pieces. You know why? Because there are no fat Strippers! Fat strippers either don’t get hired or they don’t make enough tips to survive.

Man, oh man. Get ready folks. It will be a year or two from now, but the thong buying experience will never be the same. Dressing rooms everywhere will have signs posted that you should only be trying on and purchasing garments of the appropriate size or physical harm could result (Of course, some of us bystanders have been complaining about the mental impact to us personally for years). The signs will come complete with idiot proof drawings of fat people right next to a thong marked “small” with a big red X through it. The actual thongs will come with a myriad of warning labels and little pictures of how to properly place a thong over your fat behind with your head safely turned in the opposite direction. Oh yeah, no one should be standing nearby either; all of it on the warning label.

Of course, all of this will be brought to you courtesy of the government, whose purpose is to protect us from those big, bad, thong manufacturing capitalists just waiting to poke out our eyes.

The defense rests.

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